Religion - Love = Grad School

When I used to dream about going to grad school, I imagined myself basking in all that intellectual and professional development. There has been some of that, but for the most part, it has been quite the relentless slog of deadlines, late nights, driving, and performance anxiety - a LOT of performance anxiety. Grad school demands so much of you - your time, your money, your commitment. Did I mention performance anxiety? I have come to the conclusion that grad school is like a cult. It's a religion. A religion without love.

Those of us who join this religion are asked to give all we have in pursuit - not of the meaning of life, or of the reason for existence, but for a degree, for grades - and by extension, a better job, more money, more opportunities - in short, the American Dream. We are asked to offer our pinch of incense onto the coals as oblation to the gods of education, of success: Visiting family. Poof. Hanging with friends. Poof. Church. Poof. Exercise. Poof. A clean house. Poof. Sex. Poof poof poof.

And for what? Professors are typically too busy to really notice or reward all the slogging we're doing - they're too busy slogging themselves. And my students absolutely don't care how busy I am. Again, slogging - AND they just want their good grade (whether they deserve it or not).

Which brings me to the senseless slayings at Virginia Tech. Though we are all pressed for time right now as the term-from-hell comes to a close, people seemed to stop and talk to each other more. The slogging seemed to go on just a couple of beats more slowly. I suppose as university employees and students, some of us feel a sort of kinship with the community at VT.

Now, as I crank it up for a final burst of work to end the term, I realize that my sacrifices are small. They have and end. Unlike those killed at VT, I have a choice to continue participating in this religion. And maybe, if I could just slow it down a beat or two, stop focusing on performance and take a moment to breathe, to notice those around me, I could see that there is something else here - something like love.